Looking for love in all the wrong places...

It is Saturday night and I am home in my "fat girl" sweat pants.  That is my nick name for any sweat pants that are too big for me.  Actually, all of my sweat pants are too big for me and that is exactly how I like it!  My tree is lit and I am snuggling with my doggie.  Her name is Stella.  She is one of the best dogs I have ever known.  She is my pal.  She has gotten me through some really lonely nights.  Isn't that what a dog is for?!?!  They love you no matter what you look like, how bad you may smell, and most times they know just when you need them right by your side.  Tonight is one of those nights for me and she is sitting right next to me, keeping me warm and feeling protected.  Now, if I could just find a partner to do the same thing...

Speaking of partners...I should just get this topic over with.  When I first began this blog, I made a list of "ideas" to write about.  I thought, why start a blog if I didn't have anything to talk about?!?  That list came very easy so, I thought "What the heck," and I began to write.  One of the topics I jotted down was, "Looking for love in all the wrong places."   However, I do not think that I have really looked in the wrong places for love but I have certainly ended in the wrong place.  I am tired of doing that.  

I married for the first time when I was 19 years old.  I divorced about 3 1/2 years later.  If I tell you I was in love but I was young and stupid, you probably would have guessed that without even knowing the whole story.  I mean who really knows what they want out of life at the age of 19?!?  I thought I knew what it was that I really wanted.  Really, I did!  It is funny because some of the things I had on "The List," are still on there and I thought for sure then, that I had it all covered with him.  Turns out that I had very bad eye sight and could not see what was really there.  They sometimes call that "wearing blinders."  Looking back, I now know why I married him.  It was not for love or being young and stupid, it was to run away from my life at that time.  Little did I know that I could run but I cannot hide.  Almost 20 years later, I get that.  I chalk my first marriage up to a life experience and I do not regret it.  Well, I don't regret it except for the fact that now I have to tell people I am divorced twice. Yep, I said it "TWICE!"  As if I did not learn from the first experience, I went on to try it again.  The second time around was so much different from the first, in that, it lasted way longer than 3 1/2 years and I was really in love.  That relationship is what I consider my real marriage.  

We met in Sept. of 1997.  We were in the beginning of our nursing program and at first we really did not pay each other any mind. It was not until about half way through that first semester that I really even noticed JA.  We became friends but it took over a year to get my first date with him (Fall of 1998).  It was on that first date that I felt "it."  I felt that he was totally "the one."  He ended up feeling the same way.  So, we finished school, began our careers, and married in Sept 2000.  This was one of the happiest days of my life.  This should be the part where I write "...the rest is history..." except things took a major turn for the worse and we separated in Dec 2008 and our divorce was official Jan 2011.  So much for the happy ending :-( We did make two beautiful children and I would not change that for anything.  In fact, I would not change a thing about either of my marriages, especially JA.  He was pretty darn close to being the perfect one for me but as the saying goes "So close,  yet so far away."  He is far from being the right one for me.  I swore he was, way back when I married him.  I mean I really loved this guy!  A big part of me still does but I cannot be married to him.  He would beg to differ on this, but I cannot go into that now.  However, I can go into my list and how my two marriages have helped me refine "The List."           

In case you do not know about "The List," I will tell you. For me, "The List," is a real list of characteristics/qualities that I would like or that are mandatory in a partner.  I wrote it a long, long time ago.  Mostly, based on watching the adults in my life.  I learned through example the things I did and did not want in a relationship.  For example:

1. I would like a man who is a hard worker but not a workaholic.

2. He must want children.  (That was before I had children.  Now it looks like: He must accept that I have children and that they are my priority.)

3. I would like a man who helps me with chores around the house.   

4.  I want a man who is faithful.

5. I want a man who takes care of himself.

6...

The list goes on and on and needless to say having the list is one thing and finding a man that contains a majority of the characteristics is a whole other thing.  This is the part that really pisses me off. You see, I do not think that I am asking too much.  In fact, I think that I am pretty easy.  I mean really, I do not ask for anything that I do not expect of myself.  I make a really awesome girlfriend/wife and yet I cannot seem to find someone that fits the bill, or shall I say "fits the list."

Anyway, to continue to catch you up to date, I have had two serious relationships since my marriage ended.  The first one is one of the men I referenced before. I will call him the blogger.  We dated for about 9 months.  I knew him from years ago and when we reconnected, I came to care deeply for him.  In the beginning, I was hopeful we could make it work.  The one that I could spend a future with.  He stood by me during the most difficult part of my divorce process and we had a strong connection.  However, over time I could see that he did not have exactly what I was looking for in a partner, which was a disappointment and heartbreak too. He also hurt me so bad that I did not even think about going on a date with anyone for over a year.  We are no longer in contact, which is a shame because I really cared for him and I would have liked to have had some kind of relationship with him now.  

The second and most recent "sweetheart" was Mr. Maryland who again, turned out to be anything but a sweetheart.  After over a year of not dating a sole, I began talking to Mr. Maryland  (I also knew him years ago).  This was in February of this year.  I waited almost six months before I actually saw him again.  We talked on the phone, e-mailed, and skyped a couple of times but I wanted to make sure we had something there before fully opening my heart to him.  I was really cautious with him.  The most I have ever been with any man.  I guess when you have been burned, you are afraid of the fire.  After many a night talking and getting to know one another, we met.  It was awesome!  It was everything I had hoped for and more.  We got along great.  We had a lot in common and most importantly, I thought, we wanted the same thing for our relationship.  He had a lot of "the list" qualities too.  I let him in, I mean really in and a few months later, he broke things off with me.  His reasons were distance (we lived 2 hours away from one another) and his daughter.  Come to find out about a month after he broke it off with me and even though he was separated (another reason I took things very slow), he moved back in with his wife and daughter.  Talk about a stab in the heart!  YIKES!!  It was bad enough he hurt me by breaking it off but then to drop that bomb on me.  The worse part is, is that I had hope that everything would work itself out and that we would eventually get back together :-(  

SIGH...

So where does this leave me today?!?  Well frankly, I am a little messed up.  I am lonely but content, busy yet free, and a little insecure yet secure. I am also independent but hoping to be a be able to rely on someone again.  I am definitely still mourning my last three relationships with JA, Blogger, and Mr. Maryland.  These guys really wrecked me!  I now have major trust issues.  This might not be a bad thing though.  I mean, I will definitely be very cautious when entering the dating arena.  However,  my focus today is to mend my broken heart, enjoy my children while they still want to hang out with me, and wait to give my heart to someone who earns and deserves it.

Good night <3

"Forgiveness is the final form of love." Reinhold Niebuhr

Have you had to forgive someone lately?  Has someone hurt you or caused you stress?  Is there ever a time when it is okay to not forgive someone?  

I have mentioned before that I have been through a lot in my 37 years.  I have had people, mostly men, hurt me.  Some were intentional, but mostly I believe,were unintentional.  For me, forgiving is easier now than it was in the past.  I suppose that is because the older I get the more precious I find life to be.  As I watch my children grow and mature, I see just how brief life is.  Still, forgiveness is a skill.  It is not something that just happens.  I believe it is a decision to either hold onto the feelings of hurt and fear or learn to put them in a place in your heart where those feelings do not "feel" anymore.  I have been able to do this.  Some people have been easier to forgive, others not so much.  In the end, forgiving those who have hurt me is an act of self love.  Holding on to those negative feelings is toxic and only serves to harm myself further.  Forgiveness is freeing.  Are you free?

I am D O N E...

That's right DONE!  You know like finished, caput, the end, no more, Ich bin fertig!!  Now for the Yahoo, Yippee, Yay Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What  relief!  I am so happy to be done Stats, I am just about giddy.  Actually, I am giddy :-)  The best case scenerio is I finished strong with a B, the worst case scenerio is I pulled off a C.  Either way I pulled off a PASS!!!  That is all I needed baby! I am secretly doing the "B" dance cause a "C" would hurt my ego, a bit.  I worked really REALLY hard and a C just doesn't show all of the effort I have put forth. Either way, I made it through even after all of the craziness in my life the last 4 months.  I am proud :-)

So, what to do with myself?!?!  I have a hell of a lot of free time now :-)  Well, at least for the next six weeks till my next class starts.  I am not even going there!!  Well, I could write in my blog...oh wait, I am doing that.  I could watch movies until my eyes bleed.  I could read some of the books I have been wanting to get to and just did not have the time or brain capacity to read them.  I could sleep.  Oh wait a second...Christmas is in less than two weeks and I have about 1% of my shopping done...GASP!!  Oh and wait again, I have my mom's wedding in less than four weeks and I do not have a tux for my son, my daughter's dress is too long, and I have no idea what to do with my dog for that weekend.  Geez, I suppose I do not have as much free time as I thought.  Oh well, at least I do not have to calculate a z-score or the square root of the variance in order to reserve my son's tux!  Did I mention that I am giddy ;-)

Looking forward, not back...

They say "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," right?!?!?  I need some life support folks!  T-minus six days and 5 hours from this very moment, I shall be finished Statistics.  I cannot tell you just how relieved and de-stressed I will be.  Once the final is over, I can stop letting math equations and problems consume my life and once that happens, I will stop blogging about it.  YAY Me and You!! 

I had my last content exam today.  Needless to say, it did not go as well as I had hoped. I had heard once that if you have to guess an answer go with "C."  Wrong or right "C" was my answer for a couple of questions.  I suppose that is better then no answer LOL!  I cannot change it now, right?!?! Must look forward, not back! 

The final is all that is left between me and my sanity.  The good thing is that once I get my grade for this exam, I can calculate just how well I need to do on the final to pass the class.  Knowing the minimum grade needed for the final, will take a lot of pressure off of me.  Hell, I just need to pass the dang class.  At this point in my life, that is good enough!  I am not looking for a perfect 4.0 GPA.  Besides, that is so old school ;-)  

Update:  My (soon to be) niece will not being coming to stay with my family.  Decision has been made for her to move to Ohio and reside with her mother.  Apparently, she has gotten back up on her two feet, has made some positive changes in her life, and would like another go at being a mom.  Kudos to her!  I wish them nothing but love and happiness <3 

     

Time flies when you are not having much fun!

You missed me didn't you?!?!

It has been too long since my last post and frankly, I miss you!  Since September...really it has been that long...sooooooo many things have happened.  If I ever getting around to giving you details about everything, you will be wondering how I am still able to formulate a coherent sentence, let alone be cranking out an 89 average in my Statistics class.  Don't get too excited cause I still have one quiz and two exams left.  One of which is my Cumulative Final...Gasp!  I am officially counting down to December 13th at 6PM.  It will be at that time, I will have completed the worse class in history. Yes folks...13 days and I am done Stats!!  I will save the Yippee, Yay, and Hip Hip Hoorays till then.

I feel it only appropriate to fill you in on a little bit of what has gone on during the last two months.  After all, I am a people pleaser and in true people pleaser style, I must give you a very good reason why I have not blogged lately, in order for you to still love me ;-)

I can go into further detail later but for now it is easier to list them.  By the way, I am totally a list person.  I make "To Do Lists" like it is my job.  List and my Google calendar are what keep me semi sane in this crazy thing called life.  Ok so here is my list of awful things...I mean...ALL of the things that have happened the last two months...

1. Met with tutor and have been seeing her on a weekly basis since September. She has helped me with stats a lot and also with clearing out my bank account!

2. My ex-husband and father of my children, had major surgery and came very close to death, three times, was in the hospital for almost three weeks, and recovering for 6 weeks...Beyond words, SCARY!!


3. My mother is getting married on January 8th, so the planning has been ongoing.  Sorry to say, I have not been much help secondary to the afore mentioned events of school, work, kids and helping ex-hubby. However, I should be able to pull out the "best girl" (aka Maid of Honor) speech, son's tux fitting, daughter's dress fitting and practice hair session before the big day.  Otherwise, I may be orphaned ;-)

4.  With the acquisition of a step-father, I also will be acquiring a new step-brother and a niece.  This is a wonderful thing!  I am thrilled for my Mom and Ed!  However, my new step-brother has some issues...(men having issues seems to be a theme in my life. See 6 and 7) and without a lot of detail to you now,  I have offered to take my new niece in to live here with my children and me.  I have prayed on it, talked about it, thought a lot about it, and it feels right.  If this is the best decision for my step-brother and niece, than I expect it will happen. I am actually excited about it and if it is meant to be than it will happen and soon.  Stay tuned for an update.

5.  I turned 37...and just last night I was told by a patient of mine, I looked like I was 25! She could have been being nice to me because her life and the life of her twins were in my hands OR she could have really thought that.  I like the latter and I LOVE HER for it!!!

6. An ex-boyfriend (one I happened to be in love with, who broke my heart and left me back in August because we lived too far away from one another, sniff sniff) wrote me to tell me how much he misses and loves me (for which I thought there may have been hope for us reuniting) and then proceeded to inform me, in the same e-mail, I might add, that he was getting back together with his estranged, meaning separated, living in separate households, estranged wife...Lots of expletives insert here__________!!!!!!!!


7. Most recently, it has come to my attention that my other ex-boyfriend has been expressing his continued and unconditional love for me in his blog.  I was involved with him back in 2009 and I broke things off with him.  I could write an entire book about events that occurred way back then in 2009 and the beginning of 2010 but I will save it for another post instead.  Until about a week and a half ago, I was complete oblivious of this blogs existence. I might add that I was happily oblivious to this little factoid!  More on this later...for sure! Sigh...

8. Statistics, statistics, statistics...

Well, that about sums it up in a nut shell.  Of course, it doesn't look like much to see it but all of these things have played a major role in my life these past two months.  Yes, all of this happened in the last 60 some-odd days...crazy I know. So do you forgive me now for not blogging lately?!?!  Awe thanks!

So how am I doing you ask???  Well, thanks for your concern! I must say that it has not been easy. At risk of sounding like a wimp and not the tough girl I portray myself to be...I feel kinda like I have been in a boxing ring emotionally.  I am drained, physically tired, and am in need of a reprieve, a vacation, or something resembling time off!!  Since that is not in the cards anytime soon, I am taking things one day, sometimes one minute at at time and from the outside I look pretty good at it.  On the inside, I am not as tough as I look! I have a heart and feelings.  I am real.  I am not this impenetrable figure whom nothing effects.  I am vulnerable, exposed, and confused.  To be honest, I do not want to be good at holding it all together, all the time.  I want to be able to let some of these things go.  On a pathetic note,  I want to be able to share my life with someone.  I want to love and be loved.  I am single now and this makes everything harder.  It makes chores and raising kids harder, it makes the holidays way harder, and well it just stinks!!  Since a relationship is not really in the cards now either, I just keep on, keeping on.

I suppose this is why I chose "Tough Girl." When I get knocked down (and I seem to more in my 30's than ever before), I continue to get back up and I keep going.  However, it is not as easy as it looks and it will never be. It is who I am though, and nothing can change that!  As a matter of fact, the more tough life gets, the more tough I get.  Is this a good thing or a bad thing...jury is out!

Ahhhhh, it feels good to be back!  I hope to blog more regularly and keep you informed of the happenings in my life.  I know, you do not have to say it...you cannot wait!

Until next time...Say a prayer would ya???!!!

Standard Deviation, Median, Downward Dog...It is all new to me!

I began this semester 3 1/2 weeks ago and I have 1. Spent ungodly amounts of time on the content 2. Looked into dropping the class and 3. Hired a tutor.

As good of a math student I was in the past, it is just that, in the past.  I hardly remember last week let alone my math skills from over 12 years ago.  Calling it quits is not my usual Tough Girl m.o. but desperate times call for desperate measures.  Once, however, I found out that dropping the class would set back my graduation date by an obscene amount of time, I decide that quitting would not only ruin my image as a Tough Girl, it would also be the absolute WRONG thing to do!  Instead, I decide to call in the heavy artillery and get a tutor. It will cost me an arm and a leg but I can still walk/hobble down the isle and one handedly nab my diploma with one leg so, I felt it worth the price. Marylin is my new friend (a.k.a. tutor) and she will hopefully help me through, what looks to be, a very long semester!  I meet with her for the first time on Tuesday!  Wish me luck!

On another note, I decided that I need to take care of myself better and show me some lovin'. What does that mean you ask?!?  Well, I use "self-love" to describe things I do to take care of me (for a change).  I do things like get a manicure & pedicure (a.k.a. mani/pedi), get a massage (which sounds really good right about now), or exercise.  As you can imagine, I don't get much time do spoil myself but I also make it one of my lowest priorities. Boo me! Well, that is about to change folks cause this girl is signed up for and has officially started Power Yoga!  Crazy me didn't really know what Power Yoga was before I showed up for class this morning but I figured what the hell!  I, now know what the term Power Yoga means and my body will thank me (I hope).  Basically, I went into this heated room for an hour and 15 minutes and did a lot of poses that are named after animals.  I am a very good dog in case you were wondering :-) I worked up a good sweat, I mean how could you not in a room that was upwards of 85 degrees to start and found muscles, I didn't know I had.  So, yoga is now on my Friday morning agenda.  Go Downward Dog Go!

Too Cool For School...but I am doing it anyway!!

Ahh September!  Just the sound of it makes me feel smarter!

Let me put it out there right here and now that English Grammer and Punctuation are NOT my thing.  You may have already picked up on that.  If you have not, stay tuned the mistakes are yet to come!

Okay back to September...

I have always liked school and I was not really the one to complain that school was starting. I did and still do, however,  love summer activities such as swimming, vacations, and non-structured days.  Lately though, I have a different perspective on the school year starting.  I have a love/hate ("hate" is too strong it is more like dislike) relationship with it. So, I present to you my "Top 5 Reasons Lists!" Five because it would take too much brain power to come up with 10 each!


Top 5 reasons I LIKE that my children go to school (not in order of importance):

1. Mommy time...ahhh...no refereeing, no care taking, and no WHINING :-)
2. No guilt for doing things I need/have to do and having to ignore my children
3. Food shopping and spending less because I don't have 4 more hands adding things to the cart
4. Being able to clean the house and not having the children "dirtying" it up right behind me
5. Watching my children learn new things

Top 5 reasons I HATE that my children go to school  (again not in order of importance):

1. Crucial bedtime routine and strick bed time
2. Packing lunches...ugh!!
3. Homework...double ugh!!!!
4. Hours spent away from my children...bummer :-(
5. Watching my children become smarter than me ;-)

Moms from all around the world are nodding their heads in agreement!  I feel your pain...believe me!

Now, my children are not the only ones who start school in September and this is also why more recently, I have come to have a different view on the school year.  I myself, at the age of 36, decided that this would be a good time to return to college and finish a degree that I have longed for.  I know, call me CRAZY!!  Actually, I am!  I am a single/divorced mother of two, I work 32 hours of shift work a week, and now to add to the chaos, I have added class and homework to my "To Do List!"

You will probably, make that "will," be hearing more about this topic because honestly, it is very time consuming and is the main cause of stress in my life today!  The good thing is that if I make it through my current class of Statistics (HUGE UGH!!!!!), my graduation date stays on track for December of 2012!  Let me tell you, I am counting down the months and you may with me when I really start to unload on you about it :-)  Therefore, I disclosure a warning here...there will be delays in my posts because of school, I may be bitchy when I do post because of school, and it won't be until December 2012 that I will return to my happy, go lucky self.  There I said it, you can't say I didn't warn ya!

Now back to Statistics!