Speaking of partners...I should just get this topic over with. When I first began this blog, I made a list of "ideas" to write about. I thought, why start a blog if I didn't have anything to talk about?!? That list came very easy so, I thought "What the heck," and I began to write. One of the topics I jotted down was, "Looking for love in all the wrong places." However, I do not think that I have really looked in the wrong places for love but I have certainly ended in the wrong place. I am tired of doing that.
I married for the first time when I was 19 years old. I divorced about 3 1/2 years later. If I tell you I was in love but I was young and stupid, you probably would have guessed that without even knowing the whole story. I mean who really knows what they want out of life at the age of 19?!? I thought I knew what it was that I really wanted. Really, I did! It is funny because some of the things I had on "The List," are still on there and I thought for sure then, that I had it all covered with him. Turns out that I had very bad eye sight and could not see what was really there. They sometimes call that "wearing blinders." Looking back, I now know why I married him. It was not for love or being young and stupid, it was to run away from my life at that time. Little did I know that I could run but I cannot hide. Almost 20 years later, I get that. I chalk my first marriage up to a life experience and I do not regret it. Well, I don't regret it except for the fact that now I have to tell people I am divorced twice. Yep, I said it "TWICE!" As if I did not learn from the first experience, I went on to try it again. The second time around was so much different from the first, in that, it lasted way longer than 3 1/2 years and I was really in love. That relationship is what I consider my real marriage.
We met in Sept. of 1997. We were in the beginning of our nursing program and at first we really did not pay each other any mind. It was not until about half way through that first semester that I really even noticed JA. We became friends but it took over a year to get my first date with him (Fall of 1998). It was on that first date that I felt "it." I felt that he was totally "the one." He ended up feeling the same way. So, we finished school, began our careers, and married in Sept 2000. This was one of the happiest days of my life. This should be the part where I write "...the rest is history..." except things took a major turn for the worse and we separated in Dec 2008 and our divorce was official Jan 2011. So much for the happy ending :-( We did make two beautiful children and I would not change that for anything. In fact, I would not change a thing about either of my marriages, especially JA. He was pretty darn close to being the perfect one for me but as the saying goes "So close, yet so far away." He is far from being the right one for me. I swore he was, way back when I married him. I mean I really loved this guy! A big part of me still does but I cannot be married to him. He would beg to differ on this, but I cannot go into that now. However, I can go into my list and how my two marriages have helped me refine "The List."
In case you do not know about "The List," I will tell you. For me, "The List," is a real list of characteristics/qualities that I would like or that are mandatory in a partner. I wrote it a long, long time ago. Mostly, based on watching the adults in my life. I learned through example the things I did and did not want in a relationship. For example:
1. I would like a man who is a hard worker but not a workaholic.
2. He must want children. (That was before I had children. Now it looks like: He must accept that I have children and that they are my priority.)
3. I would like a man who helps me with chores around the house.
4. I want a man who is faithful.
5. I want a man who takes care of himself.
6...
The list goes on and on and needless to say having the list is one thing and finding a man that contains a majority of the characteristics is a whole other thing. This is the part that really pisses me off. You see, I do not think that I am asking too much. In fact, I think that I am pretty easy. I mean really, I do not ask for anything that I do not expect of myself. I make a really awesome girlfriend/wife and yet I cannot seem to find someone that fits the bill, or shall I say "fits the list."
Anyway, to continue to catch you up to date, I have had two serious relationships since my marriage ended. The first one is one of the men I referenced before. I will call him the blogger. We dated for about 9 months. I knew him from years ago and when we reconnected, I came to care deeply for him. In the beginning, I was hopeful we could make it work. The one that I could spend a future with. He stood by me during the most difficult part of my divorce process and we had a strong connection. However, over time I could see that he did not have exactly what I was looking for in a partner, which was a disappointment and heartbreak too. He also hurt me so bad that I did not even think about going on a date with anyone for over a year. We are no longer in contact, which is a shame because I really cared for him and I would have liked to have had some kind of relationship with him now.
The second and most recent "sweetheart" was Mr. Maryland who again, turned out to be anything but a sweetheart. After over a year of not dating a sole, I began talking to Mr. Maryland (I also knew him years ago). This was in February of this year. I waited almost six months before I actually saw him again. We talked on the phone, e-mailed, and skyped a couple of times but I wanted to make sure we had something there before fully opening my heart to him. I was really cautious with him. The most I have ever been with any man. I guess when you have been burned, you are afraid of the fire. After many a night talking and getting to know one another, we met. It was awesome! It was everything I had hoped for and more. We got along great. We had a lot in common and most importantly, I thought, we wanted the same thing for our relationship. He had a lot of "the list" qualities too. I let him in, I mean really in and a few months later, he broke things off with me. His reasons were distance (we lived 2 hours away from one another) and his daughter. Come to find out about a month after he broke it off with me and even though he was separated (another reason I took things very slow), he moved back in with his wife and daughter. Talk about a stab in the heart! YIKES!! It was bad enough he hurt me by breaking it off but then to drop that bomb on me. The worse part is, is that I had hope that everything would work itself out and that we would eventually get back together :-(
SIGH...
So where does this leave me today?!? Well frankly, I am a little messed up. I am lonely but content, busy yet free, and a little insecure yet secure. I am also independent but hoping to be a be able to rely on someone again. I am definitely still mourning my last three relationships with JA, Blogger, and Mr. Maryland. These guys really wrecked me! I now have major trust issues. This might not be a bad thing though. I mean, I will definitely be very cautious when entering the dating arena. However, my focus today is to mend my broken heart, enjoy my children while they still want to hang out with me, and wait to give my heart to someone who earns and deserves it.
Good night <3
Good night <3
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