A picture can tell a 1000 feelings...

I just love it when a quote or a picture sums up just what I am thinking or feeling.  Is it possible to feel all of these ways in one day?!?  Well, I do most days.  I am stressed, frustrated, exhausted, overwhelmed, happy, sad, confused...oh I could go on but I think you get the point.  As I sit here going through this daily array of feelings, I just wonder when will it get better?  I mean will there be a time when I will just be pleasantly content, settled, happy (regularly)...I suppose you may be thinking...This is no way for a tough girl to talk.  I say those same things to myself and yet I cannot help my crappy attitude.

More importantly, I wonder what it is that I can do to improve where it is that I am right now. Is it loneliness, is it feeling sorry for myself, or is it just life?  I just thought of that movie "As Good As It Gets."  Is this as good as it gets?!? I really try hard to stay strong and from the outside I look strong.  But I will let you in on a little secret...I do not feel very strong at times...Actually, I feel like I have had to be too strong at the expense of who I really am.  I want to be weak sometimes.  I want to be vulnerable and a bit needy.  I don't want to have to hold it together all of the time and that be okay too.

My mom sent me this forwarded e-mail funny and one part cracked me up.  It was entitled "Men are like..."

"Men are like parking spots, all the good ones are taken and the only spots left are handicapped."

I have met men, fallen in love and they have fallen for me.  Have mentioned, however, in one way or another they were handicapped?!?  I would like to meet someone who's handicap is not life threatening or how about someone who is mental stable or maybe someone who is actually able to give me their time, love, and commitment!?!

I say I want all of these things and yet at this point in my life, I am so dang busy that I don't have much time to give to anyone.  I think that is why I have been missing Mr. Maryland so much.  We had an established relationship.  We did not have to "get to know" one another.  These things take time.  I still love that guy by the way.  He has also been in touch with me.  You heard me right...out of nowhere BAM an e-mail...He tells me he wants me back.  That he has been so sad without me.  He is willing to do anything at this point to be with me...blah blah blah...

Insert all of those confusing emotions here...I love him and yet he hurt me.  He loves me and yet he left me.  He left his wife again "for good" and yet he went back to her in the first place.  He wants to move closer and yet he cannot until he finds a new job and yet he, in my opinion, is not putting enough time and effort to find a new job.  He wants me to wait and yet I don't want to wait but then again I do not have time to find a new love.  And then it goes back to I love him and he loves me...AM I SETTLING?!?!?!?  In one way I think I am settling and in another, I am not.

I am on a dating website now.  I have been "chatting" with a couple of people.  However, when I look at my schedule I have just about three Friday nights a month to go out with someone.  Otherwise, I am getting a sitter, during a weeknight to meet up.  My work schedule does not favor having a life.  It is as plain as that and IT SUCKS!!

I am lonely.  I know it...I just hate to admit it because I have been so good at doing this on my own but Damn-it...I don't want to do it alone anymore!!!

I have rambled on enough...