Tonight, it is late and I am exhausted and yet cannot sleep. Grief is funny like that, one minute you can't drag yourself out of bed and the next you can't wait until the sun comes up and you finally have a good excuse for being awake. I am in full fledge grief these days. It began 12 hours shy of a week ago. This time last week, I was sleeping happily next to the one I love. Not a care in the world. Kids were good, brother and mom were good, and I was good. Little did I know that 12 hours from that moment, my life would take a sharp left turn and I would end up here...lying in bed...alone, thinking about all of the shoulda, woulda, coulda's and wondering if I will ever venture down the long corridor of love again. "I think not," my heart says. My head is still spinning from the events that played out just those few days ago and would like to think that love and partnership is possible for me and yet I'm doubtful.
I won't go into details tonight because I am not even sure where to begin. I am still trying to wrap my head around what happened myself. I think he got scared, felt threatened, and didn't trust what we had. His response to these feelings was to run, as fast as possible, leaving devastation and broken hearts behind. I know today he regrets his decision to abandon us, to run without warning or discussions. The problem is, it is too late. What has been done is done and my children's and my hearts will forever be scarred.
So tonight I lay here feeling the pain and anguish of once again being disposed of and will wait until my thoughts are relieved by sleep or the sun comes up. Which ever happens first, I will take on tomorrow one minute at a time if I have to. What other choice do I have...
