I still stand...

It's been years since I journaled in Tough Girl Times.  I am consistent about a few things in my life and this is not one of them.  Although, I would like to make this a new habit for a couple of reasons.  I need an outlet to vent about life.  Also, I would like to be able to look back someday and see all that I have overcome in black and white.

While on my journaling hideous, I have been through the ringer.  I adopted a child, was remarried and now separated, changed jobs, and almost died.

I try to keep my life private for the most part but I believe my story can help others.  I have been through more in my 42 years on this earth than many have been in their entire lifetime.  I have made mistakes and have suffered greatly for them and yet here I stand,  I remain steadfast in my faith and I have survived.

I have paid a price and I can honestly say somedays, I don't know if I can do one more day here on earth.  Trauma and pain can do that to a person.  However, I still stand.

I want to use my resources to document my recovery and healing.  I have been stuck in a rut and have not healed to date from all that has transpired.  I am ready to begin this journey of healing.  Getting my life, joy, and peace back.

I hope you will enjoy the ride.

Keeping it Real,

Tana

Nighttime is Always Difficult

I know it has been quite some time since I have posted.  Frankly, life became busy and alive.  I don't even know where I left off and I will not go back and read it tonight in order to catch you up. Somehow, you will be caught up. 

Tonight, it is late and I am exhausted and yet cannot sleep.  Grief is funny like that, one minute you can't drag yourself out of bed and the next you can't wait until the sun comes up and you finally have a good excuse for being awake.  I am in full fledge grief these days.  It began 12 hours shy of a week ago.  This time last week, I was sleeping happily next to the one I love.   Not a care in the world. Kids were good, brother and mom were good, and I was good.  Little did I know that 12 hours from that moment, my life would take a sharp left turn and I would end up here...lying in bed...alone, thinking about all of the shoulda, woulda, coulda's and wondering if I will ever venture down the long corridor of love again.  "I think not," my heart says.  My head is still spinning from the events that played out just those few days ago and would like to think that love and partnership is possible for me and yet I'm doubtful.  
I won't go into details tonight because I am not even sure where to begin.  I am still trying to wrap my head around what happened myself.   I think he got scared, felt threatened, and didn't trust what we had.  His response to these feelings was to run, as fast as possible, leaving devastation and broken hearts behind.  I know today he regrets his decision to abandon us, to run without warning or discussions.  The problem is, it is too late.  What has been done is done and my children's and my hearts will forever be scarred.  
So tonight I lay here feeling the pain and anguish of once again being disposed of and will wait until my thoughts are relieved by sleep or the sun comes up.  Which ever happens first, I will take on tomorrow one minute at a time if I have to.  What other choice do I have...

Reality Part 3

WOW!!! Has it really been since May 30th?!?  That is horrible!  I have plenty of good excuses as to why I fell of the face of the blogging world.  First and formost...SCHOOL!!  Good news is that I just completed my last day of this semester.  YA WHO!!!  Hense, my post today!  Homework has been set aside for yet another few weeks until my next class.  Sigh...I said next class BUT it is my LAST and FINAL class!! Can I get a Whoop Whoop?!?! That is right folks, one 3 credit class stands between me and new initials after my name!  12/12/12 is a day of pure celebration!  More on that in the future...near future :-)


You have waited long enough...

Germany MAY 8, 2012 

Air base, Castle, and Speed Lightening 

     I have taken pictures of every base I have visited and this trip was no exception.  I find base security and watching jets taking off for their daily trainings, fascinating.  I like to see where my brother is everyday.  Also, my son is very fond of the military and like most boys, gets jazzed about seeing the jets up close and personal.  Pics are about as close as he gets.

I was hoping for a "frisk" from these hot security dudes in uniform but to no avail.

Monster jet engines!  

Dan's favorite jet! Very cool!

    After a quick stop by the base to top off our gas tank, we are off to our next destination.  One of the most beautiful sights I have seen in my lifetime.  Fortunately for us, this stop isn't the hike the Netherlands was, so we did a great day trip and still made it home to have dinner and bedtime routine with the family.  Life is good!  

Eltz Castle

    Eltz is a 850 year-old, family owed castle.  It has been family owned for more than 30 generations and is currently owned by a physician and his family. According to my brother, this castle was recently given a face life and I think they did a fabulous job in maintaining the character of the building.  It is set in the valley of this mountain area, encircled by the river Elz.  We had to park at the top of the mountain and hike down the only road accessing the castle.  It is about a mile hike and one thing I loved is that you couldn't see the castle from where we parked.  In fact, it wasn't until we were about half way down the mountain, when the road made a turn to the right, I first laid my eyes on the stunning view. 

This was my first view!

Still quite far from the castle but definitely a photo op! 

    I became a giddy school girl when I found out we could go inside.  Tours are limited to certain areas inside the building and I was disappointed when the tour guide told me "No pics!" The nerve of them denying me the right to take inside pictures! After a short temper tantrum, whining, and feet stamping, all skills I learned from my daughter, I regained my composure just in time for the tour! Good thing for them, I like scenery photos and I was still was able to get some awesome pics.  I will save my "favorite pics" for another post but here is a taste of what we saw.  

I love making pictures black and white!

Off to the side of the castle.

Look closely in the middle of this pic and you will see where we took the earlier pic of ourselves and my first view. 

Perfect spot, perfect weather, perfect scenery for lunch.

SPEED LIGHTENING   

No speed limits = FUN!  

No wonder we made it home in time for dinner ;-)

   

May 9, 2012

Cochem, Souvenir, and My Knight in Shining Armor

     Cochem is located along the Mosel River in wine country.  This town was bustling with tourists and local residents.  The market place has food, wine, and quaint shops.  This is where I found my one and only souvenir.  I saw it in a window and I just had to have it.  What caught my eye was the story behind it.  This is the English translation...

"...sometimes at sunrise, if we do not know whether we are asleep or awake, or dusk, when shadows are formed, make us doubt our feelings, we feel an invisibile presence, a whisper, a flutter, beating their wings up to a feeling that something is caressing our cheeks...something that we can not define.  These are the angels that surround us, come and go.  They listen to our secrets, our whisper, and know our wishes.  If you have lost faith in them through grief, loss of life, or pain, then here is your "angel caller" so they can come back to you and they will find you."

  I wear this necklace as many days of the week as I can.  I just love it and when it chimes its little chime with my movement, I feel protected by my angels, Olivia and Mark Xavier.  More about them another day.  

Cool thing is I can change the little colored chime, each with a different meaning and sound.

Cochem's Imperial Reichsburg Castle

Proud of some of my pics :-)

This castle was built around the year 1020.  It was destroyed by the French occupation forces on May 19, 1688.  It stayed in ruins for 180 years until Louis Ravene' bought and rebuilt what remained of the castle.  Since 1978,  it has been owned by the town of Cochem and is open to the public.  This castle also has tours and allows guests to photograph inside.  Giddy school girl :)  Of course pictures do not do this magnificent place justice, so you will just have to visit yourself.  

Another Awesome Pic!

Grand dining hall

We ate lunch on the balcony.

    One thing I did not mention is this castle is located at the top of a mountain and looks down upon Cochem and the Mosel River.  The view from this place is breathtaking!  

I know, right?!?!

Shining Armor

You already know that I have been looking for my "knight in shining amor," and while in Germany, I finally found him, except he was too heavy to bring home...

Oh wait...not him...that is Nadine's knight...still scratching my head on that one ;-)

Here he is...Hot, Right?!?

Last but not least...

Favorite Amateur Pic of Us 

On castle balcony...<3

   As you can see, we had a blast!  I thought I could get the final days of my trip in this post but I just can't.  More of my journey to come...TTFN :)

    

Back to Reality Part 2

Germany Continued...


Monday May 7, 2012 the real touring began! Nadine and the kids had to get back into their routines of work and school, BOO!  


Dan and I had to fend for ourselves and he had the rest of the week laid out before I even landed.  Now it was time to carry out the plan.  


First destination:

 Keukenhof Holland in Lisse, Netherlands!

It took about 3 hours to drive there from Dan's place.  We had a blast in the car talking about just how effed up our family is, among other things. (hee hee) We have not had three uninterrupted hours to talk in...well I don't know if we have ever had that long to talk.  We laughed and enjoyed the beautiful views as we drove through Belgium, all the while praying that "Sally" a.k.a. our international traveling navigator, knew where she was taking us. 


We arrived in good time and thankfully did not have any problems with our nav...Sally done good!  We parked in this grassy field and with camera in hand went to see what all the hype was about!

This years theme was 'Polland-Heart of Europe'

  Dan was told by friends that this place was a must see.  It is an outdoor garden venue that is known for it's tulips.  This place is at peek season in April and May and that meant we were here at the perfect time! Boy were we ever...take a look...

You don't even have to say it cause I know...I should be a photographer...right?!?!  Well, Europe makes me look good!  These are just some of the pics we took there.  It was beautiful! We spent a lot of time just wandering around, taking pictures. It was so relaxing there and time escaped us.  I think in total we ended up there for about 3-4 hours.  It did not feel that long that's for sure!  


Side note: I mentioned before about my "favorite pics" post...I am saving some of the pics from this day until that post.  The excited little child in me cannot wait to show you!!


Anyhow, onto our next and final stop in the Netherlands.  It was only about a 15-20 minute drive from Keukenhof which, is why it was on the day's "to do" list.  


Second destination:

Clara Maria

Cheese Farm and Clog Factory

Who doesn't like some good tasting cheese and wooden shoes?!?!  

Apparently, I DO!!

When we first arrived we kinda thought that we were not in the right place.  It was a shack of a place and it looked deserted.  We saw some cows...that was a good sign.

MOO...

We found one human amongst the cows, he was shoveling cow poo...NICE! We asked about a 'factory' tour. He was kind enough to direct us to the building that was right behind us.  

We entered at our own risk and saw these...

and these...

It was a one room factory with floor to ceiling shoes!  Shortly after our arrival to this factory a bus tour arrived and filled the joint with people who do not speak English... of course.  So even though I did not understand a word of our tour guide...oh by the way...the tour guide was the same guy shoveling shit just a few short minutes ago :-D HA HA HA!! We stood by and watched the demo on how a fine sturdy wooden shoe is made.  I took a few video clips...

 Schöne Schuhe! (Nice Shoes!)

So where is the cheese?!? Well, we followed the crowd, to the next room,  and viola' CHEESE...

Also, a one room factory but cool none the less.  This part of the tour was taken over by the male's counterpart and she began, in English, the process of making a mean hunk of cheese and I must say that I didn't know half of what goes into making cheese.  To summarize...cows with lots of milk, a very big mixer, and time, lots of time.  I am sure there was more but you will have to google it cause once she mentioned 'free samples' coming my way, I was distracted. 

Tour ended, tasting began, and so did the shopping!  These folks have it together cause on our way out of the 'kitchen' we walked right into a cheese lovers paradise and we hit it...HARD!

Ahhhhh...

Our favorite was the Natural Gouda but they had all different flavors. They also had quaint Dutch souvenirs and I immediately thought of my kids.

Up to this point, I did not seen many things that would be different from the things we have around home and that is what I was looking to give them. So once I spotted mini wooden shoes...it was over...on top of that I saw a little sign that said something about personalizing and when I asked the cashier about it she told me they do it right there.  BAM...

Very Cool! 

Dan bought some for his crew too! Here is Dan's take home goodies...

We stopped for dinner about an hour from home.  It was a cool little town and the restaurant was delicious and it was just enough to rejuvenate us for the last hour of our trip.  The town was sort of a discovery and Dan said he might even take the family back there one day.  

Up Next Castles and My Knight In Shining Armor...Gute Nacht <3